On the Raw: Distractions

I took yesterday off.  I was supposed to have yesterday off so that I could write.  I have Halloween celebrations this evening, and it is going to consume a large portion of my weekend to both hit the celebration, and get completely drunk.  I am getting drunk.  That’s a thing that happens only a few times a year.  It’s happening tonight.  I’m also 5600 words into the Temple of the Stars rewrite, and that needs to get finished asap.  Each installment will be 8000 words, and I want to get it done already.  I also want to try and finish up on Pill and the Patsy, but that’s thousands of words away.  I wrote a little on Thursday, but it was basically pity writing of woe is me and the writers life.

But I took yesterday off!  I was supposed to have a chance to get all this caught up!  Yet here I sit, having accomplished hardly anything.  I wrote… 700 words last night?  If I’m begin generous?  Seriously, this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, and what do I do when I get home?  NOTHING.  I spend about two hours in the morning realizing that I can’t fix any of my current problems with money.  Because I don’t have any.  Then I spend the remainder of the day in some fugue of video games and a three and a half hour nap.  It’s very, very embarrassing.  I was so ashamed of myself.  I sat in a house, quiet, free of my tiny human and any other distractions, and yet I got hardly anything of note accomplished.  The writing I did do last night feels laughably bad.  It felt like I was just diddling about in order to tell myself I was accomplishing something.  Yet it will most likely be rewritten entirely.  I cannot stand that about myself.  I take precious time off, use it so that I can focus on what actually matters in my life, and I missed the mark in every way it is possible to miss the mark.

I think what all of this boils down to is accepting that I might have a second issue in addition to my depression.  My depression has been under wraps for some time now.  But this new issue of being completely unable to focus on a task is worrisome.  I leave food half made on the counter.  I have problems with leaving the fridge door open, with leaving things half started and completely unfinished.  I’ve always been absent minded, but I’m starting to think that my ketosis diet is exacerbating my slightly held in check ADHD.  I’m going to need to start taking a serious look at fixing that.  I might also have to jump out of the ketosis earlier than I had hoped.  It’s just frustrating to set myself up for success like that, and have it all go to pot.  GRR!