In the Dark of Night – Part 14
I wanted to use this space to write about how much I’ve been struggling with my depression of late.
I’ve had some time to mull it over and I think I’m going to skip that for now. I am not, nor will I ever, advocate for ignoring your mental well-being. I suffer from depression; I will always suffer from depression. I am not ashamed of that. It’s simply a part of who I am.
However, I believe that we’ve all had our fill of the dark and sad things in our lives just now. Many of us have endured their first missed major holiday. Others are having their first holiday without loved ones.
I want to talk about something else, something that we should really be focused on this time of year. I want to talk about the things that I am grateful for.
Tonight, I wish to share how grateful I am to two extraordinary women.
First and foremost, I wish to share how grateful I am for my wife. Michelle and I have been married for a little over six years now. Together, we have produced a miracle whom we affectionately refer to as ‘tiny human’. Let’s be real though: she did all the heavy lifting, both in his arrival and the work that has come after.
Our life together has not been perfect. I bear responsibility for the bulk of our issues, if I am to be honest. Periods of joblessness, extreme weight gain, and other small quibbles which range from the mundane to the maddening.
Through it all my wife has been a lighthouse, shining bright to beat back the darkness surrounding me. She has been constantly striving to improve, gaining her masters degree while raising tiny human and dealing with several moves and with changing schools and and and and.
It cannot be easy being married to me. I’m something of a hermit; I can manage to be absent with the both of them next to me in our tiny living room. I have to cause her no end of grief. Yet there she is, every day, working hard to make things better. She took tiny human for a full weekend last week, demanded that I grab her chair from her classroom (our bedroom) so I could be comfy, and kissed me goodbye as she handed me a few days of blissful silence.
That was last week. Today we went on an amazing adventure at our local zoo, which ended with a nap and a quiet living room to write in. She is like this constantly. Recently, our bed was hurting me, so she did some research and fixed it. I sleep like a king now, and I wake up each time more surprised than the last that the usual aches are gone.
Thank you for being so wonderful Michelle Kelly Wallace. I love you.
The second woman I am grateful for today is a recent addition to my life, but a profoundly welcome one despite that.
Samantha (aka @samwitch11) has been a boon companion. She radiates kindness and love like the sun gives off heat. She is always quick with a joke, has a deep and abiding affection for all things dinosaur, and is generally one of the warmest people I have ever had the privilege to meet.
I am a worrier by nature, but each time I share my anxieties with her she gently reminds me that I am being a ninny and shouldn’t listen to those voices within trying to tear me down.
I don’t deserve either her support, her kindness, nor her friendship. Yet I am delightfully surprised to find that I have all three, and each time she affirms that I cannot help but smile.
I have come to realize something important as the years have gone by: We don’t deserve the blessings in our lives.
Instead, we are tasked with working like mad every single day to make sure we never take the gifts in our life for granted.
I am proud to know you Samantha. It is my sincerest hope that we can continue to walk this long road together, talking about dinosaurs and birds, sharing stories of times past and futures hoped for, talking of everything and nothing.
I felt that it was very important to share that with all of you today.
I hope, with every fiber of my being, with each breath that it is my privilege to draw, that you can take a few moments to find something or someone in your life that you are grateful for.
Tell them. Share with them why you appreciate them, what it means to have them in your life.
I promise you, you will be better for it.
Story time.
In the Dark of Night – Part 14
Mother and I managed to gather ourselves off the floor long enough to finish our morning rituals. The children were, if not clean, at least presentable by the time I had to be off. Mom and I must’ve hugged at least six times as I pulled random odds and ends out of the fridge and into a large grocery bag for me and Anizaniza’ish.
Anizaniza’ish seemed content to move in the background, studying our family with a serious frown. My family moved around her as though she’d always been there. When it came time to leave, I collected my eleventy-billionth hug from mom. She turned to Anizaniza’ish, facing the angel directly for the first time that morning.
“You be sure to have a great day at school you… ummm.. young lady?”
Her brow furrowed. Panic crept into her eyes. It was the look of one who has forgotten their name but not why that should terrify them. She broke into a flop-sweat. Her breath came sharp and fast, as though she was running flat-out from the distress which was about to overwhelm her instead of standing in her own living room.
I looked at Anizaniza’ish, panic filling my own eyes as I gestured at my mother and wordlessly pleading with her to fix whatever it was she had broken. The angel rolled her eyes, crossed her arms, and tried to set the carpet on fire with her glare as she bit out a single terse word.
“Anzi.”
The panic left as swiftly as it had arrived. Mother gave Anzi a quick hug and a familiar peck on the cheek before returning to the kitchen to make sure the broodlings stayed presentable for Jacqueline.
Anzi looked like she was trying to swallow a mouthful of acid.
I laughed as I shoved her out the door into the crisp autumn morning. We walked in silence for a time before my brain managed to make itself heard over whatever protections were at work. I stopped, staring at the brooding figure beside me as my mouth worked furiously to get the words out.
“Why didn’t my family go berserk having a stranger wearing a sword in our kitchen?!”
Anzi stopped too, resting a hand on the hilt of the blade, the worn-leather of the baldric creaking audibly as she did. She wore a brief frown of puzzlement that morphed into smug condescension as she understood what I was asking.
“Magic isn’t just for smashing things Claire.”
Disdain dripped from my name, but I wasn’t in the mood for an argument. I ignored the jibe and pressed on.
“Thank you Anzi, you’re quite right of course. How did you manage to fit into our morning madness without making mom call the cops?”
Anzi was caught off guard by how sincere and polite my response was. She had lunged, counting on my riposte for balance. Instead of meeting her blow head-on, I had sidestepped the entire issue, and now she was flailing. The frown reappeared, but the condescension was gone as gave her answer.
“The most exploitable thing about humans are their assumptions. Your family assumed it was impossible that a stranger would come down the stairs from your room and be standing in their kitchen with a sword, so they saw neither stranger nor sword.”
Insight hit home. I gave voice to my suspicion, but I was certain I already knew what had caused mom to have a panic-attack on our way out the door.
“So mom didn’t know your name and that caused her to doubt her own assumptions, creating some kind of negative feedback loop that you had to break her out of!”
A sable eyebrow shot up in surprise as we resumed walking. Anzi nodded, looking me up and down as though seeing me, actually seeing me, for the first time.
“Yes. I had to provide her a label that would fit her assumptions. Thus the distasteful butchery of my God-given name. The magic is even now bonding itself to the name I gave her.”
She shot me an ugly look, hunching her arms even tighter across herself as she did. I poked around my memories of the prior evening. I was alarmed to realize that I could no longer remember what Anzi’s full name was. My momentary elation at guessing correctly vanished. I hadn’t even noticed the magic editing my memories. Whatever grace had been given to Anzi so that she could exist in my life without upending it was as powerful as it was subtle.
We walked in silence once more. I caught myself glancing over at Anzi’s profile more than once. It was strange; despite the caustic looks and comments she didn’t frighten me as she had before. I was still angry at her treatment of me, but I couldn’t help noticing how she carried herself with the straight-backed and unconscious grace of a queen. She had a severe beauty which fit her personality; a storm-tossed ocean, the waves both wonderful and terrible all at once.
She caught me studying her and raised a single eyebrow at my inspection. I blushed, not used to being caught out like this. I flustered about with my hands before clasping them behind my back and high-stepping awkwardly. She snorted in amusement at my antics, then looked up sharply as an enormous caw filled the morning.
Jacob alighted upon my shoulder, feathers standing on end as though he’d just been struck by a bolt of lightning.
“WHAT THE TRUCK CLAIRE, WHY ARE YOU WALKING NEXT TO A CLUCKING ANGEL!”
He leaned forward to inspect the young woman before hopping back into the air with a string of caws and curses.
“SHE’S GOT HER MOTHER DUCKING SWORD CLAIRE!”
I tried my best Anzi stare on the squawking and flapping figure above me, but it was no good. He didn’t drop dead. I settled for a perturbed mental shushing and looked over to Anzi to offer up an apology for my familiar’s poor manners.
Anzi had come to a complete stop. Her eyes were the size of saucers and she had one hand over a mouth that had fallen open with wonder.
Whatever I had been about to say died on my lips as I tried to comprehend what I thought I was seeing on her face.
I reached inside myself with my power and plucked the chord of command which bound Jacob to me. I did my best not to use the chord like this; Jacob’s would never really be my familiar if I had to force him to do everything I asked.
It worked. The incessant screeching caws died down, and Jacob stopped swearing long enough to see the effect he was having upon the angel. I whispered to him through our bond.
“She is my guest, here for a pilgrimage which is to last for the rest of my life Jacob. She is not an angel anymore.”
I held out my arm, Jacob fluttering onto it. I reached out, smoothing down his feathers as he unconsciously tried to wiggle away from my preening. Anzi watched us, eyes glued to Jacob as he turned his head from side to side and watched her back.
A cackle slid into my mind, dark and full of mischief. A plan arrived with the laughter. It was so corny that I thought my eyes might break from rolling so hard, but I agreed to play along anyway.
Jacob pulled himself to his full height, puffing out his chest and doing his best bird impression. As he’d been one for some time, it was rather impressive. He fluffed his wings, bouncing from foot to foot on my arm, and bent forward to caw inquisitively at the young woman frozen with fascination.
I walked over to her, holding Jacob between us. For the first time, I could see apprehension in her face. She was clearly afraid that she would say or do something that would ruin this moment. It was such a human reaction that I had to suppress a giggle.
I reached out with my unbirded arm and pulled hers out for Jacob to perch upon. I brought him near, and Jacob proceeded to insult his entire avian heritage with the comic display he made of crossing over to her arm. I was certain he was overplaying his hand, but Jacob obviously knew his audience better than I did.
Anzi had been thoroughly thralled.
Jacob was laughing his sass off in my head.
“How beautiful. I have never seen such an incredible specimen of corvus brachyrhynchos in all my days. He’s as big as a gyrfalcon!”
I smiled as Anzi reached out a tentative hand to stroke Jacob’s feathers. He accepted the attention with just the right amount of hesitation. The lush was playing her affection like a violin and I didn’t have it in me to say no to either of them.
“I hadn’t realized you were such an avid ornithologist.”
Anzi broke her reverie to give me a withering look. She went back to stroking Jacob’s feathers. After a minute or so, he decided that he’d given her enough of a taste for today. He nipped at her affectionately before taking to the skies.
We resumed walking, Anzi staring at the ground even as we got over to let Jacqueline drive past. I waved heartily, excited that the weekend was almost upon us. Jacqueline had managed to get a copy of The Seventh Seal and no demon in the universe was strong enough to quell my excitement at getting to watch such a masterpiece with her.
We were most of the way to school, Mrs. Van Deburg’s house visible in the distance, before Anzi broke the silence.
“The only memories I have of my existence before my pilgrimage are fragmented bits and pieces.”
I was shocked at the emotion in the words. I came to a stop, looking over at the angel with concern while inviting her to continue with my silence. She pressed her fists to her forehead as she continued.
“Looking at the little dinosaur let me put together tiny parts of who and what I once was.”
Her head and hands fell and tears splashed against the gravel. I reached out to her, but she swatted my hand away. She rounded on me, face flushed, one finger leveled at me like a sword.
“I have existed since the dawn of time! I have fought back creatures of nightmare so profane that even hearing their name would break your tiny mind!”
She got right up in my face, finger pressed into my chest, tears still flowing down her cheeks.
“Why did you have to take all that away from me?”
Anzi was terrified. Considering everything that had happened to her, I couldn’t blame her. She’d gone from the literal Sword of God to an outcast, completely reliant upon me for everything. On top of that, she had even been denied her own memories. I could scarcely imagine how I would react in that situation.
A thought occurred to me, and I blurted it out before I could stop myself.
“Maybe you’ve been given a chance to start over.”
Anzi’s face contorted with rage. She lunged, shoving me with both hands. She was shorter than me, but I was still sent flying backwards. I toppled with all the grace of a falling log, scraping my arms in the gravel as I landed on my back. Anzi looked down at me with pure hatred before turning the way we had come and stomping off.
“Wait. Anzi, wait! There’s still a demon after me!”
I pushed myself up, trying to brush dirt and gravel off me as I made to follow after her.
Anzi stopped, turning to leer at me in disgust.
“I was thrashing the Morningstar’s minions before your sun had even formed, you ignorant little monkey. Do not presume to lecture me on my own safety!”
She flicked her thumb along the side of her nose at me before turning back to resume her angry march home.
Anzi hadn’t gone more than two meters before the thrice-crowned disciple of Azazel, silent as death and equally skeletal, sprinted out of the field next to us and knocked her to the ground. She looked utterly astonished, right up until she was slammed into unconsciousness upon the unforgiving rocks.
To be continued…
Ornitholigfully,
The Unsheathed Quill
