Motivations and Motivations…
A good friend of mine said something yesterday, and it’s something that I can’t stop thinking about.
He said that I don’t have “a fire in my belly” when it comes to writing.
The concept behind that goes a little something like this: For you to make it as an artist, you need a near-compulsive obsession with what you do. It has to drive you from your bed. It has to force you to sit down every day and write. This singular concept has to be at the core of everything you do as a person, or you will never make it as an artist.
With all do respect to this man, that’s bullshit.
I have a thousand reasons why I sit down in this chair, and boot up this website. Each day, each session, each paragraph is motivated by different things. Sometimes it’s the sheer joy of the experience. Writing the combat scenes from Pontifex Ursa is my own personal Guillamo Del-Toro breaking free. I have loved everything to do with giant robot combat ever since Robot Jox when I was a wee lad. It’s fascinating, and I can’t get enough of it. To add my own small entry into such a storied history tickled me pink.
Writing my current WIP was a realization of high fantasy and Howl’s Moving Castle. It’s a harder project than most I tackle. I’m trying to weave in a lot of different elements that I’m not great with as an author. It’s well outside my standard comfort zone, and to be honest I don’t really enjoy writing. However, I sit down every day and chip away at it because it interests me. I legitimately want to know what’s next, and despite my lack of enjoyment with writing, my curiosity drives me forward.
I suck at everything that has to do with the promotion / editing / sound editing side of writing. I had no clue at the vast expanse of things that I would need to become highly proficient in when I started this journey. When you first start out, and you have zero dollars to bring to the table, it’s ALL on you. Can’t figure out how to edit your first audio book? Too bad, it doesn’t see the light of day. Can’t figure out how to do self promotion correctly? Hope you weren’t counting on getting exposure anytime soon.
I’ve had to learn more about a vast number of things than I thought possible. It’s maddening, and I’m horrible at it. I get incrementally better at stuff, but going from atrocious to putrid doesn’t really feel like a landmark. However, I know that if I can master this aspect of my writing, my financial security will be increased immensely. Pure authorship is not enough to write from a comfortable financial vantage point anymore. This aspect of my writing isn’t driven by joy in writing, or even curiosity in a story. This is motivated out of pure monetary gain. It’s a different force entirely, but it moves me all the same.
Sometimes, I’ll swap motivations on any given day. Sometimes I’ll find new ones. Every day, every task, every word has something to add. I don’t have any one fire burning with me because I have a hundred different ones at any given time. That’s so much better for you. What if that one fire goes out? What if that one fire burns you out. What if the magic doesn’t work anymore? How do you keep going then? I have a horde of options to turn to when one style of motivation isn’t working anymore. I can rely on my web of dreams and aspirations, goals and ideas and enjoyments and continue working anyway. I can take the flame that has died, and set it aside to relight another day. OR MAYBE IT NEVER REKINDLES. Maybe that aspect of who I am as a person and an author never again takes flame.
That happens: I am nothing like the person I was even five years ago. I won’t be like the person I am right now in five years time. To gamble your entire person on what amounts to an unhealthy obsession is a bad bet. Sure, it might work for some people. Sure, there are success stories aplenty for this approach. However, that is the glamour on a horrible pile of destroyed lives and ruined families. So many friendships die when they are fed into the fire of that sort of driving ideal. When there is nothing that you wouldn’t do for your fire, then there is suddenly nothing that is taboo.
While some people are able to ‘successfully’ juggle that burning aspiration within them, how many times have you read the story of those same people having horrible relationships. Those sorts of people are incapable of relaxing, spending time with friends, or even the illusion of being vulnerable. They have necrosed around their own goal, until even fulfilling it has robbed them of all enjoyment of their accomplishment. Success is now pointless, as it will never be enough for them. They will chase an ephemeral high until they die, and wonder why they were so miserable the whole time.
I’m an addict. I know this about myself. I’ve shared on these pages how unhealthy my obsession with League of Legends has become. I will not, cannot, and must not turn my writing into the same thing.
You’ve no idea the lengths I’ve gone to spend more of my time and money on League and it’s predecessor. I will never share with anyone the full extent of what I’ve sacrificed for that game. Not even my wife knows all of it, and I’m pretty sure no one will till the day I die. OBSESSIONS ARE BAD. Warping your whole reality over the concept of ‘one singular driving passion’ is a horrible thing to praise as a virtue.
Every single one of the success stories that idea has engendered is built on a mountain of broken lives. I reject.
Friday, bears will fight robots, BECAUSE THIS IS MY SPACE AND I DO WHAT I WANT.
Bearfully,
Justin
